Dear Oklahoma Sooners, Kansas City Chiefs, Dallas Cowboys, and the Blind Squirrels*,
It's a mere ten days until you begin invading my TV. One could say you already have, what with your pre-pre-pre-season speculations, your pre-pre-seasons media days, and of course the pre-season games that don't really matter but your fans watch anyway. And then come the schedules around which your fans plan their lives every fall. I'll have you know I've already been informed of Big Game days when I will need to severely lower my expectations of The Fan Who Lives With Me. These dates are penciled on my calendar (because I believe he couldn't find a pen at the moment).
Anyway, because of The Fan's enthusiasm for you, I PLEAD with you: have a winning season. And if it's expected of you, and you know who you are, get a berth at the championship game.
You see, I think you don't know the power you wield over households like mine: if you win, I win. Simple as that. If you win on game day, I get sweet pleasantries and an extra skip in The Fan's step. I get a happy, happy camper for seven whole days, until your next chance to disappoint. (And by the way, it wouldn't hurt to not only win, but win decisively. One, two, three point wins are good but not the greatness The Fan expects.)
If you lose....well, let's just say it's easier to leave The Fan to his mourning until he gets over it and begins looking forward to the next game. This could take a few hours to a few days, depending on just how big you lost.
Some would say this letter is ridiculous and one's disposition shouldn't be decided by the performance of a sports team. That may be true to a point, but the fact is I married The Fan. I knew he was The Fan when I let him slip that gorgeous ring on my finger. Maybe in some way I was even attracted to it...the way kids play with matches, I suspect. Bottomline, I signed up for this gig and I make it every year just fine. Mostly.
I'm just asking for a little help here. Make my life a little easier this fall and win your conference, your league, whatever it is you're shootin' for.
And while you're at it, Big Name Quarterbacks, Running Backs, etc...don't get injured.
The Fan's Wife
*Fantasy league team est. circa 1998. The team name refers to a saying I'd never heard until I met The Fan: "even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes..." Amen, honey.